


Put my weapons down to hold you

by justhockey



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Communication, Fix-It, Getting Back Together, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Up, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:48:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24844090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justhockey/pseuds/justhockey
Summary: Michael has never in his life meant to hurt Alex, never wanted to be the one to cause him pain, but he always ends up doing it anyway. It’s like his fingertips are made of lightning, like he burns everyone he ever touches.
Relationships: Michael Guerin/Alex Manes
Comments: 12
Kudos: 148





	Put my weapons down to hold you

**Author's Note:**

> Title from _Would You Come Home_ from Roswell, New Mexico

The song finishes and Alex’s voice fades into a brief silence, before the entire room is clapping for him. Except for Michael, because suddenly he can’t breathe. It’s like there’s no air in the room and he feels like he’s suffocating. And then his eyes meet Manes’ across the room and it’s just too fucking much for him to handle. The lyrics and the looks and just. All of it. 

So he bolts. Because that’s exactly what he’s good at. _All_ he’s good at, really. Leaving. 

He rushes out the door without looking back, and fumbles with his keys, trying to open his truck so he can climb inside and escape. He grips the wheel so tight he’s half convinced he’ll leave finger prints, and he scrunches his eyes closed. He leans his head on the wheel and takes long, deep breaths. He couldn’t drive right now even if he wanted to, his hands are shaking too much and it feels like his vision has gone all blurry. 

It’s quiet, all he can hear is the faint echo of music from inside The Wild Pony. But then footsteps, and he flinches as the door to his truck swings open and none other than Alex Manes himself climbs inside. 

“Hey,” he says, sounding out of breath. 

“Uh, hi?” 

“You ran,” Alex says, stating the obvious. 

Of course he ran. Hearing that song, _knowing_ that it’s about him. It’s too much for Michael, he doesn’t deserve it, and he’s never deserved Alex’s love. He’s never been good enough to be loved by him. 

“Sorry,” he says, because he is, and because he doesn’t know what else he can say without spilling everything. 

“Drive,” Alex says. 

And Michael should say no, because this could be a disaster, they’re _always_ a disaster. But fuck, he’s too in love with Alex to ever deny him anything. 

“Where?”

“Home.”

And that’s not really very specific, except for how it is. Because Michael knows exactly where he means, knows that his beat up old trailer is the first place Alex had felt at home for years. So he drives, even though this is the opposite of what he’s supposed to be doing. He drives because he loves Alex and Alex deserves so much more, but this is what he’s asking for right now, so Michael will give it to him. 

It’s silent until they’re sitting back in Guerin’s trailer, and he quickly remembers something. 

“Long?” He asks. 

Because the guy was definitely there, and he couldn’t take his eyes off Alex. They’re a thing, maybe. Or they’re going to be. Or something. Either way, Michael is kicking himself for coming in between that and stealing happiness from Alex yet again (even if the selfish, jealous part of him is secretly glad). 

Alex shakes his head. “I figured we needed to talk. He didn’t mind.”

“Your boyfriend didn’t mind you running after your ex?” 

Michael coughs to cover up the word but it’s already out there. _Ex._ Can they even call themselves that when they’ve never really been in a relationship? When they’ve always been so bad for each other that things between them are never able to last longer than a couple months at best? Michael doesn’t know, but Alex is smiling sadly and it fucking kills him. 

“He’s not my boyfriend. And this is important,” Alex says. 

And yeah. Probably. Because fuck, those lyrics were something else. Michael has always known that Alex can sing, obviously, but those words felt like a stab to his heart. It felt like a love letter and an apology and a goodbye all in one, and Michael doesn’t think he deserves any of those things. 

But clearly Alex does, because you don’t write a song like that without meaning it, it’s not possible. It makes his heart flutter weakly, the thought that Alex thinks he’s worthy, in some way. Even after everything he’s done to hurt him. 

“That song, it was -“

Guerin doesn’t have the words to finish the sentence. He’s afraid of not saying enough or saying too much, he’s afraid of fucking _everything,_ especially when it comes to Alex. 

“-about you,” Alex finishes for him. “Yeah. I meant it.”

Michael nods. He knows that, his mind and his heart and his freaking _soul_ know that - he could feel it in every god damn word. 

But the truth is, it was painful. The song, and what they had, too. It always causes them so much hurt. 

“You had to give up so much because of me,” Guerin says, finally speaking the words that had been haunting him for so long. 

Alex is shaking his head and smiling, like he knows something Michael doesn’t. And it wouldn’t be the first time, it feels like Alex is always two steps ahead, in everything except their relationship. 

“Not as much as I had to give up when I lost you,” Alex says, and Michael feels his heart shatter, can almost hear the pieces of it falling to the floor. “Until I met you, I had no idea who I was, and then I spent the ten years after you trying to find myself again. But I couldn’t.”

He feels a stab of guilt course through his body. He hadn’t wanted Alex to lose himself, hadn’t wanted to take anything from him. 

“I’m sorry-“

“-I’m not. I couldn’t find myself because I’m _not_ myself without you, Guerin.” 

It’s everything Michael had wanted to hear, even if he hadn’t known it until those words were spoken. It’s selfish, he knows. Knows that it’s wrong to be so _glad_ Alex doesn’t feel whole without him. But it’s the way Michael has always felt - lost - from the second Alex was ripped away from him when they were just kids. 

It’s not fair. Michael _wants._ God, he wants Alex maybe more than he’s ever wanted anything in his life. 

But he’s done being selfish, he’s done taking and taking, and never giving Alex anything back. He’d dated Maria, for christ’s sake, and he’d done it knowing full well how much it was going to hurt Alex. That’s cruel. It’s not the kind of foundation you can build any type of healthy relationship on. 

“I hurt you, Alex. A lot.”

Alex scoffs. “And I hurt you too.”

“Exactly! That song, it was beautiful, okay? But it was written about two people who don’t exist anymore. We’re not seventeen, Alex,” Guerin tells him. “That’s what you said, right? Every time you look at me you’re seventeen again? But we’re _not,_ too much has happened!” 

It goes against his nature to be arguing this, like every particle in his body is begging for him to stop. It feels very much like Alex is telling him he wants him, and that’s all Michael wants - _has_ wanted, from the moment they met. But he’s done being the catalyst for every bad thing in Alex’s life. He wants him so badly his bones ache with it, which is exactly why he can’t let this happen. 

“I said that so long ago, Michael, and it was true then, but it isn’t now. Now I look at you, and I see _home_ ,” his voice cracks but he keeps going. “Yeah we were kids when this started, but we’re not now, and we’re _still_ here. We still love each other. Right?” He sounds desperate, almost like he’s begging. 

Michael wants to give in because how could he not? He’s being offered everything he’s ever wanted. But it’s like he doesn’t know how to take it. He’s tired of being a stain in the lives of everyone he touches, a bad taste left in their mouths. He wants to be _good_ , but he doesn’t know how. 

“He’s good for you,” Michael says. 

They both know who he means. 

And the words, they scratch at his throat as they claw their way out, and they’re bitter as they pass through his lips. Because it’s true, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. Forrest is easy, he’s good, and Alex deserves that. Alex deserves everything, even it’ll break Michael along the way. 

“Yeah, maybe,” Alex says, and Michael’s heart sinks. “He definitely doesn’t have the capacity to hurt me, not like you do.”

And that one stings, because, fuck. Michael has never in his life meant to hurt Alex, never wanted to be the one to cause him pain, but he always ends up doing it anyway. It’s like his fingertips are made of lightning, like he burns everyone he ever touches. 

“But I think that’s kind of the point, isn’t it?” Alex continues, and he looks like he’s waiting for an answer, but Guerin doesn’t even understand the question. “It only hurts like that when it’s real.”

It’s feel like everything falls silent, like the entire world stands still. Alex is looking at him with the same, hopeful look in his eyes that he wore when they were seventeen and everything still felt like it was possible. 

“What are you saying?” He manages to choke out, his voice scratchy and hoarse. 

He thinks he should probably keep fighting this, but he’s not sure he has the strength to anymore. He’s been trying to push Alex away, but Alex just keeps shoving back, and maybe they don’t have to anymore. 

“I’m saying it’s real with _us,_ Guerin. It’s always been real. If it wasn’t, it would have gone away by now, but we’re here,” he says, gesturing around at Michael’s trailer. 

“I don’t want to hurt you again,” Michael tells him. 

He can’t. Not again. He thinks he’d die if he was ever the cause of Alex’s pain again. He deserves more, better than he can give him. He deserves someone like Forrest. 

“Then don’t,” Alex says, as if it’s easy. “Things are different now, _we’re_ different now.”

They are. Everything has changed and shifted so much. But the one thing that hasn’t changed, the one thing that has stayed the same since Michael was just a kid, is how much he loves Alex, with every single part of him. 

And maybe Alex deserves better. Hell, maybe _Michael_ deserves better. But. They don’t _want_ better, they want each other. After all the hurt and the anguish and the suffering. They still want each other. 

“Okay.”

The word feels heavy on his tongue, precious. Dangerous. 

“Okay?” Alex asks. 

Michael doesn’t give him the chance to say anything else. He leans forward and tangles one hand into Alex’s hair, rests the other on the back of his neck and pulls him closer, closer, until they meet in the middle. 

The kiss is electric despite how soft it is, and Michael thinks that’s pretty fitting. They’ve always been electric, since the very beginning. Always been drawn to each other like it’s something cosmic, like every broken part of themselves wants to fit together, like they’re only whole when they’re with each other. 

And later, when they’re wrapped up in Michael’s sheets, miles and miles of bare skin pressed together, he feels something settle. Like a part of his heart has finally found its way home. It’s so obvious now, and maybe it always had been, he’d just been too scared to pay attention. But he can’t do this life without Alex by side, and he wouldn’t want to anyway. 

“You know,” Michael says into the quiet, “that first night we kissed, at the museum? I told Izzy. Not that it was you, but that there was someone.”

Alex presses a gentle kiss to patch of skin beneath Michael’s ear. 

“Yeah?” He asks. 

“I told her that I’d stay in Roswell as long as you kept kissing me,” Guerin confesses. 

It’s feels big, for some reason. He’s not sure why. It’s probably nothing, compared to all the other things they’ve said to each other, compared to the song that Alex wrote for them. Still, it makes him feel vulnerable, exposed. But he thinks that Alex deserves to hear it, deserves to know that Michael has loved him forever. 

Alex tightens the hold he has on Michael’s waist and burrows his face into the crook of his neck. He presses another gentle kiss just above his collar bone, then the base of his throat, his cheeks, his nose, then finally, his lips. 

“I’ll never stop,” Alex whispers, their lips still brushing together. 

It’s a promise, and Guerin knows with complete certainty that he means it. He has to close his eyes to stop the tears from forming, but he smiles wide. 

“I love you,” he tells Alex. 

“I love you.”

And yeah. He’s home.

**Author's Note:**

> Confession: I have never actually watched this show, I’ve just watched the Michael/Alex scenes. I saw the scene where Alex sang this song for Michael and I needed to give them a happy ending immediately. Apologies if any of this seems out of character!
> 
> I have been informed that it was actually Alex who said he would stay in Roswell as long as Michael kept kissing him, sorry about that, but it fits too well to change it so I hope you don’t mind :)


End file.
